Regret

I met my mother-in-law on Vesak Day 2018, back when I first started dating my wife. She always had a cheeky smile and had a laugh that was child-like, carefree, and mischievous.

She loved looking pretty and wearing beautiful clothes, testing different shirts, pants, accessories, and bags to get the ultimate outfit of the day. There was not any time when she was not well-dressed and carried herself with grace.

The first time I met her was on Vesak Day 2018, a few months after I met my wife. I knew prior that she suffered from appendix cancer, which was extremely rare, but apart from being a little thin, she looked healthy and had sparkling eyes.

I remember sweating buckets on that day due to the heat (definitely nerves). It was the first “meet-the-parents” session I’ve had in years and I really wanted to make a good impression. She was very welcoming and asked me a lot of questions to get to know me better. During my introduction as a boyfriend, and transition to a fiancé and husband, she never made things difficult and instead was happy to see me and wanted to know that I was okay.

Admittedly, due to my work scheduling and living arrangements then, I did not really spend a lot of time with my in-laws. But whenever I did spend time with them, we’d be eating out, and my mother-in-law would always tease me. With a cheeky smile, she would always ask me, “Chao, you full or not? Want to order some more?”. Those little moments were the best memories that she gave me.

And with the past two years with Covid and lockdowns, we had even lesser time. After reopening, I went back weekly for dinner and I always noticed that every time I saw her, she somehow became thinner. But it was something unspoken; everyone knew but somehow not addressing it made it easier. I made it a must to speak with her and share some memes with her, trying to make her laugh, but as she weakened I can’t help but feel my efforts were feeble and useless.

Nearing the end of her journey, she mentioned that she hasn’t lived her life yet, and there were so many things that she wanted to do. Having to see her weakening and becoming skinnier by the day, and the inability to take away her pain truly breaks my heart. In the end, the healthy-looking woman with sparkling eyes that I met at the beginning was lost in her battle against the illness.

I wished I had more time with her, to get to know the person who brought up my wife. I wanted to bring her to eat the nicest foods, where she can continue to smile cheekily and ask me if I wanted to “order some more”. I hoped I was up to her standards as a son-in-law. I feel that I did not do my best to help her feel better.

No amount of words, articles, and shows you read and watch can truly prepare you when loss happens to you. It hurts you so deeply you never knew you could feel that kind of pain and it isn’t something you can fully recover from.

As I write this piece, there are many things I want to say, but somehow the words don’t seem to flow. But the one thing I would say, and I hope you take away from reading this, is to spend time with and cherish your loved ones, and tell them you love them, through words or actions. Because when it’s too late, you will look around and find that regret is the only thing left.